Regarding My Stupid Bengal Cat

You guys, I can’t tell you how often I catch my stupid Bengal cat looking exactly like this.

It’s his busted face. You see it when he’s in the process of being a top-shelf asshole, which is, by my math, every minute he’s not sleeping or licking the poo from his paws. He’s so invested in being a dick his tiny cat brain forgets to rearrange his face into something resembling cat nobility. So I’ll come home, hear some grunting in the dining room, grab the camera (for possible insurance photos), and just leap in and snap. Boom, busted.

After two years of me playing Amateur Cat Whisperer, he doesn’t even care. He just stares at me with this ridiculous face and goes, “Yeah? What? What are you going to do about it? The female human likes me. You don’t matter, jackass.”

And he’s right.

So when we buy our cats (yes, plural, but please don’t ask) a ten-dollar cardboard box that we could find for free at any Costco, what does he do? First, let’s start with what he’s supposed to do: SIT IN IT AND ACT LIKE THE CATS YOU SEE IN CAT FOOD COMMERCIALS. What does he really do, almost immediately? Start biting the edges, ripping off little pieces, and spitting them on the carpet.

He SPITS. And you can HEAR IT. Rip chew rip chew THWOCK. That happens before the sound of ten dollars going up in smoke.

So I yell at him. I make sharp, loud noises so he gets startled and stops. But his dicky little amygdala is so honed, so advanced in fight or flight decision making, he know’s there’s no real threat. He completely ignores me. Until I feign getting up from the couch. Then he finally pays attention and I get – YOU GUESSED IT.

That’s just one ten dollar example.

We have another cat, one who’s jerk gene isn’t totally dominant, who’s the cat version of Bob Marley: he just wants to kick back, man, and enjoy everything. Music and colors are everywhere, dude. This cat was born with the following belief, which he holds dear to this very day: The world is a great place. Everyone is nice. Nothing bad can ever happen to me. Here, rub my belly. I love you. Food would be nice.

The jerk cat knows this other cat is gullible. Way gullible. Gullible and trusting to the point where if he had to pass a cat test to keep his cathood, he’d fail and be demoted to frog or something. So when the Happy Cat is sitting around, blindly trusting every atom in the universe, the Jerk Cat will come up to him, meow lightly, and start cleaning him. And they will lay together. And they will have a little conversation.

JERK CAT: Hey. Meow and shit. Mind if I sit down and clean you?

HAPPY CAT: Sure! I’d love that! I love you! This is great! Heck yeah!

JC: Excellent. (Starts cleaning HC)

HC: Omigosh this is amazing! I mean, aaammmaazing. You are cleaning me! I love this! This feels great! My face doesn’t smell weird anymore! Thank you!

JC: Don’t mention it.

And then, there’s a subtle change. Jerk Cat goes from cleaning, to little nibbles, to full-on biting anything within his striking distance: neck, ears, paws – name it. And despite this happening nearly every single night, Happy Cat is all, “Wha? What’s this? You are licking me so hard it hurts, man! I mean, you just bit what’s left of my scrotum! Seriously! BUT I STILL TOTALLY LOVE YOU.

I will see this, get up and thwart natural selection. Instead of letting dickhead theater play out, I will stop the passive-aggressive-cleaning-turned-cat-cagematch, and Happy Cat will, for a brief second, realize things aren’t copasetic and bolt into another room. That leaves Jerk Cat, who sits in one place frozen and stares at me, as if he previously was invisible and I just somehow found a way to see what he’s doing.

And it’ll come again:

The moral of the story: I have one cat, a Bengal, cheap. Inquire at counter.

(modified cp)


11 thoughts on “Regarding My Stupid Bengal Cat

  1. Hahahaha our cat does this face all the time! We have a mother/daughter cat situation; they do the “nice, gentle cleaning” and it usually ends with one cat being in the other cat’s mouth. So I guess they’re both jerks?? 🙂

  2. I will admit the lazier, happier of our cats sometimes starts shit too. But not nearly as much as the expensive, purebred Bengal asshole we somehow acquired. I think my wife roofied me and then had a cat breeder come over. It’s all a fog.

    An expensive fog.

  3. Yeah. The first time. By time eight hundred or so, you just start wondering what he’s fucked up and how much it will cost.

  4. Pingback: Regarding My Stupid Bengal Cat | clusterflock

  5. I too have a Bengal Cat. She sits and stares at me sometimes for hours while I’m working. Its what Bengals do! As for the biting of the boxes and spitting it on the floor, yeah!!!!! Mine too. When I did some research about Bengals before I bought one the biting of the boxes was in the description of the Bengal habits. As for the staring, all I can say is WOW! Sometimes its just weird, creepy. And my cat hisses at times, but, mostly she spits, or does this little spit sneeze when she plays. Its just funny. I find Bengals are sure an ODD cat, but I have grown to love them.

    • I have 2 Bengal cats. 2 stupid mother fuckers. Almost as stupid as their owner who paid 2600.00 for them.

  6. I have one that is a big asshole too and lady across the street wants to steal him…keep letting him out to no avail! Thank god he was free!

  7. I laughed so f*cking hard at this post! Unfortunately I have *two* asshole Bengals. You’re probably questioning my sanity at having bought two. Trust me, so am I. Two wayyy expensive ginormous ASSHOLES. Is your Bengal a loudmouth? One of mine meows his furry face off like there’s no tomorrow and will do this for several hours and the meows are like 10x louder than a normal cat. Both of mine are about 9 months old, males, both neutered. They get into every damn item in existence, hence why we can’t leave them out roaming the house when we aren’t home. I swear if it weren’t for my 7 year old daughter I would have said “auf wiedersehen” a long ass time ago.

  8. I have this bookmarked on my browser. Just seeing the bookmark makes me laugh still. My a$$hole Bengal just turned 13 yo recently and to add to his demands of fresh water, fresh food, a fluffed pillow in the sun with a perfect view of the bird feeder, he’s got some eye problems going on that I really thing maybe a little mj would help with but he runs around the house screaming because he cants see very well. Oh dear Aden. The most annoying love of my life. 🙂

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